Sunday, June 3, 2012

Snow Whatever and the Random People

I love movies.  I mean, who doesn't, right?  Well, some people, like how there are some people who don't like chocolate.  I don't get them, but they're out there.  Anyhow, with movies, I have certain things I really enjoy.  Good acting, a great script, fun special effects. . .and when they all come together, you have perfect movie magic.

Sometimes, none of these things come together and all we can do is gleefully mock it to our heart's content.

This blog posting will contain spoilers for Snow White and the Huntsman.  Because Kristen Stewart has the right blend of blah mojo to ruin any major motion picture.

I mean, seriously, I genuinely don't get her appeal.  She's fine but not super pretty, and she can't act her way out of a paper bag.  Her only real draw is that she's Bella and that draws huge crowds of tweenyboppers which translates into cash elsewhere.  Like in pointless reimaginings of fairy tales.

My first problem with this movie was that there was hardly any background or dialogue.  I think they were scared of giving Kristen Stewart more to do than look scared.  Either that, or her character was actually mentally traumatized by years of imprisonment in a dark tower like she would be in real life.  When I read that biography of Catherine the Great recently, there was mention of several princes and noblepeople who got imprisoned in horrible, dank cells for quite a few years.  Inevitably, their minds were broken and they were insane shells of people when they were finally released, and no one to rally behind at all.  When you think of it that way, you really have to pity the regular joe schmoe townspeople.

Kristen Stewart's lack of ability to manage scripts more complex than a Dick and Jane picture book or the Twilight series severely impinges on the quality of this movie.  There is no real character development.  There's some background from the other actors, but for some reason it just doesn't sink in.  It never really makes the movie richer.  And nothing is quite explained enough.  Chris Hemsworth's Huntsman is all depressed because the queen sucked his wife dry for her youth and he's all salty and cool, but then suddenly he's so impressed with Snow White he's the one who can give her the kiss of true love, bringing her back to life.  What?  When did that happen?  There could have been an awesome love story, maybe a decent triangle, but no.  There was no real working up to it.  It just sort of was.  Plus, he definitely makes reference to fighting in a war that happened when she was like 9.  He's like twice her age.  And she's probably still a minor.  Ewwwwwwwww.  Then, the queen's powers come from the blood of the fairest, but it's not really explained, so Snow White kills her using blood?  Not really sure how that happened and I don't think she does either.  There's no real conflict, either.  At the end, after she kills the big bad queen, Snow White stares at her reflection in the Mirror Mirror on the Wall, but that's it.  There's no moment of seduction, there's no moral dilemma about whether or not to use the mirror for her own powers, there's no grand refusal where she hurls it to the ground, it's just "well ain't I pretty and now it's time to be crowned".  The same goes for the dwarves.  It's all like, "we used to mine for gold but now we're all sad," but that's about it.  There's no real attachment.  Which is a shame, because they could've been something really great about the movie.  I guess if I want enjoyable dwarf fun I'll have to wait for The Hobbit.  Errrrghhhhhh, I'm not a patient person!  Gah.

When there's no real attachment to the characters or their story, then everything else is just kind of pointless.  The special effects were fine.  But what's the point of making Charlize Theron turn into a bunch of crows if we have no idea why?  It's just like, "well that looks cool".  And, truth be told, it was kind of a bit much.  In the magical fairy land, EVERYTHING MOVES.  It's overstimulating.  It would be more powerful if only some things moved.  But when the ground writhes, it doesn't seem beautiful, it just seems creepy.

The last thing that was really awful about this movie was that it dragged on forever.  Sort of like this blog posting, I know.  The pace was slow and disjointed, and even the action didn't feel like anything was really happening.  Those movies are the absolute worst.  You're just begging for a reason to enjoy them and they just can't give you one.

All in all, don't go see this movie unless you want a good giggle.  I've really enjoyed ripping it to pieces in this blog.  But it's not good for anything else.

Go see The Pirates, instead.  It was hilarious and super British and inventive.

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